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“Heeelllloooo, my busy little worker bees! This is your C.E.O. Wendy Addams, yet again giving out another progress report! Now that you’ve entered hour four of this lovely little death match, let’s see who’d literally kill for that promotion! Haha- get it?
“Firstly, Anne, creative use of the company-provided staplers! I’m not naming names, but it seems a few individuals just couldn’t handle it! Haha!
“And Gregory. Who knew under that soft, nerdy exterior there was a complete monster? You sure cleared out floor three, didn’t you, Gregory? Those assholes in the Engineering Sector won’t be bothering you anymore, that’s for sure!
“While we’re on about engineering, I’ve noticed that while Tom’s odd little contraption made from the printer did do the trick for a while, he was no match for Tammy’s gun. Sorry, Tom. I’d tell you what you did wrong, but you’re dead!
“Props to Tammy for finding the hidden armory, but Tammy-dear, your aim could be better. Tom suffered for exactly six minutes, two seconds because you didn’t get the quick headshot you were hoping for. One tip, Tammy: Aim slightly above your target if you can’t achieve point-blank. Good luck with that!
“Now, Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy. Those hours at the gym paid off, didn’t they? One thing: be a little more forceful, will you? Excellent use of company fire extinguishers. However, optimum killing momentum allows for just one impact to kill. This saves precious energy on your part. Remember our company motto, and ‘Be efficient,’ Jeremy!
“Ah. Feeling tired, Sharon? Maybe pick up a snack in the cafeteria. Or not. Jason’s guarding the fridge.
“Oooh, sorry, Jason! I just gave away your position, didn’t I? Why couldn’t you be more clever like Harriet, who’s hiding in the basement?
“Whoops.
“Ahem. Um, Nancy, the way you took out that intern was EPIC! Can’t clean up his own mess, poor thing, after cleaning up all of ours. But the bitch probably deserves it. Perhaps the next intern will know the difference between decaf-mocha and decaf-java. Honestly.
“Now, pay attention, my little worker bees! Our population has been reduced from six-hundred to two-seventy five, with approximately forty-three being due to suicide. Shameful, right? Those forty-three do not properly represent this company. Be. Sure. You. Do. And don’t forget our other motto: ‘work until death!’ That is all!
“Actually, wait, wait, wait, one more thing. A special Congratulations to floor five worker Emerson Jones for his fabulous kill count of one-hundred and forty-seven! Watch out for this guy!
“Oh, duh! Wish Phil and Mark a Happy Birthday! Or… just Mark. That will be all until I give out the progress report for hour five! Keep slaying until then, my little worker bees! This is Wendy Addams, signing out.”
[SPOILER]https://redd.it/60aaap |
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